It's time, I can feel it, I can hear the faint sounds of life happening and my consciousness stirs a bit. My mind slowly awakens and I feel a familiar pressure in my head, the dull ache that greets me every morning and the fogginess that never seems to fade crowds my thoughts once again. Often times it seems my thoughts are clearest while I'm asleep and dreaming. I wonder if that's why I'm tired all the time. Lucid dreams that my consciousness often mistakes for reality seem to never allow my brain to fully rest; couple that with busy days as a single mom with a full-time job and it seems obvious as to why I'm so tired. Some days I feel as though I’ve been walking around before my brain even knows I’m awake.
Mornings are the hardest part of the day, the most confusing and the most painful, emotionally and physically. Often upon waking after a particularly lucid dream I have to sift through my emotions to find out if I'm waking into real life or if I'm living a continuation of the dream. There have been days where I've grieved the loss of my children in a dream for hours after waking only to realize they're still alive and it was all just a twisted fantasy that my mind couldn't let go of. I don't get mad at myself for things like that anymore, it's not my fault that my brain never sleeps, that my body is never fully rested, that my mind is so tired it easily mistakes fantasy for reality.
Some days I understand why so many like me go back to sleep, over and over again. I used to give in to the feeling, slowly dragging myself back into a sleep that I can't seem to get out of, I wake and the cycle continues. It feels like an addiction. I wish it could stop. I want it to stop, I want to feel normal.
It wasn't always like this. I did well in school, I was intelligent. I could remember anything and everything and I had the energy of a child. I cry about those things a lot in the morning. I would give anything to be able to remain awake without medication. I would love to never have to use the words, "I'm sorry, I forgot...", again. I'd love to know what it's like to wake up and feel rested, instead I wake up confused, feeling as though I'd just barely fallen asleep.
I feel sad a lot, not for me but for those that interact with me, for those that love me and care for me. I feel as though I let them down every day. Even if I make a list of things I need to get done I often can't cognitively stay focused long enough to do them. I get stuck in these moments between awake and asleep and I may be sitting there staring at you, but my mind is either caught in a lucid dream or just completely empty. Focus, I tell myself to focus all day long, yet my mind wanders back to the thought of being asleep and how amazing it feels to have the clarity that comes with my dreams.
My kids will never get to have the best mom, the mom I know I could be, should be. They'll only have an image of a woman always lost somewhere in her mind. My boyfriend, he too will never get to experience how amazing I could be. I know I can do better, but my cognitive delay from sleep deprivation keeps me from giving 100%. It hurts knowing I could do so much more, be so much more than I am; the limits this disorder has placed on me are maddening at times.
Many days I wonder why, why do I have to live a life shrouded in fog? Why can't I just remember things? Why can't my brain access information I know is there? Why can't I wake up? Those days scare me. Those days I gain an understanding as to why so many with this condition take their own life. No one wants to sleep through life. I don't want to miss hearing the laughter of my children because I'm asleep. I don't want to forget the days I spent laughing with my boyfriend, I don't want him to live with less love from me because I'm tired. I don't want this disorder.
I want to wake up for once.
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