New Foundations

I feel broken, shattered. I built so much of who I am out of who he said I was. Sometimes I stare at my reflection and all I can see are the missing pieces that he took with him. I’ve spent enough time trying to find those missing pieces in other people, alcohol, and money that I’ve realized that those missing pieces aren’t meant to come from someone else. Some say that one will come along and hug me so tightly that all my broken pieces will fit back together, but I think I’ll let the broken pieces stay broken and build something new from what’s left. I couldn’t go back to the person I was. It’s impossible to erase the experiences and changes I’ve gone through, and it’s those changes that will become the stronger foundation for the new person I’m becoming.

Right now I’m not okay, but soon I’ll be able to stand up and firmly say I am who I am because I’ve loved and felt the sting of the loss that often comes with giving yourself completely to someone who decided to walk away.

I wonder if the weaker parts of us crumble so we’re forced to build ourselves up with something stronger.

Clean

Chilling her skin as she sat naked on the edge of the porcelain bathtub, she reached for the chrome water valve taking caution not to spill the glass of red wine. She expected the knob to squeak and was relieved at the silent way it turned with little effort. Hurried moments of the day finally settled in the deep corners of her mind as water filled the basin. She lowered herself into the warmth so slowly it seemed she didn’t trust the water, but she was merely calming the wave of chills caused by the sudden change in temperature. Filling her nose and lungs with steam, she let the stress of the day release with her exhalation. She quite liked the slow fall of the water as it filled the tub as if its meeting was deliberate and careful, unlike the hurried way the day rushed to meet the night. The smooth edges of the water tickled her skin as it rose over her body, teasing the corners of her mouth into a smile.

Eyes closed she lay her head in the water, allowing liquid to trickle into her ears and wash away the moments of the busy day left lingering. She lowered her head more until water met the outer corner of her eyes, submerging her ears and completely drowning out all sound. She hesitantly opened her eyes to the calming white tile and soft white curtain; forming a box around her it kept her mind safe from noise and color. In here she could finally settle her mind and become fully aware of her existence. She welcomed the sound of her heart beating rhythmically, sending faint vibrations through the water. Here in the water she was stripped to her basic form, she wore no labels and held no titles; in here she was naked, she was human.