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Because after the fight, after the pain, came the high, then numbness, nothing. Black. The end of it all and anything forward. Freedom; and that brought with it a contract; become a slave to loneliness and you may be free, and with that comes a loss of love. So which is it, child? You can’t continue this dance between love and freedom, dancing and pulling, back and forth until the threads that hold you together can’t hold on anymore. 

You’ll spill everything out, child. All your secrets and fears, and the times you giggled when you should have been polite. All those precious moments when you cried in the dark, tears of pain and loss, hidden so you could seem strong in the light. 

Well, choose then, what do you need?

Let it spill then, everything, and be free in that, child. Be free in your love; love for you and for others and most of all for him, the one who loves you back. Be free in his love because you’ve found safety in his arms and in his heart you’re...home. 

You’re free child.

♥️

Disorder

Those of you that follow me know that I tend to be playful, silly, and I try to find humor in as much as I can. Life is too short to take seriously. I mean really, I’m short and people rarely take me seriously. I try to make light of my struggles because life is heavy enough, I don’t need to add anymore weight to it. The truth is, right now I’m struggling and this time I can’t ignore it. I’m not writing this for pity or for some kind of unnecessary recognition. I’m letting the words escape the prison of my mind because I’m exhausted from holding it inside. 

I woke up tired this morning. This wasn’t a shock to me, I’ve been waking up this way for most of my life. This was a different kind of tired, not the usual sleepiness brought on by my sleep disorder (Idiopathic Hypersomnia or IH). The fatigue I experienced brought with it an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, a feeling that my life will forever cycle in this pattern of struggle I seem to be experiencing lately. I’ve experienced fear, uncertainty, and doubt, and I’ve always been able to make it through. Right now I’m terrified.

I’m currently suspended from my job while I wait for my doctor to fill out paperwork regarding my disorder. While it’s nice to have some time off to spend taking care of myself, I’m not getting paid if I’m not working and I’m already behind financially. The suspension is my fault, I called out a few times due to single-mom stuff. I knew one more occurrence would cause me to lose my job.

A little over two weeks ago my car was broken into and everything was taken, including the medication I use to regulate my disorder. Without that medication I have a really hard time staying awake (imagine taking a double dose of NyQuil every morning, while only getting 1 or 2 hours of sleep every night, and then trying to function normally) and an even harder time getting myself to wake up. A few days ago I slept through my alarms, all 4 of them. At one point I could hear the alarm go off, but I couldn’t get my brain and body to wake up. I was late to work which resulted in an occurrence and then the suspension. 

I’ve already had so much loss, so much heartache, so much struggle this year and this finally sent me over the edge, something finally broke me. I don’t usually pay much attention to my IH, generally due to the fact that I can’t change it and what little energy I do have has to be spent elsewhere. Right now, I hate everything about it. IH has robbed so much from my life and I’m so angry that I cant just make it go away. I’m angry that I will never know what it feels like to wake up feeling rested. I’m angry that I can’t access information I have stored in my brain because the extreme sleep deprivation IH taxes my brain with a mental fog that prevents me from accessing it. I’m mad that I forget things within minutes, including those things that are precious to me like the sound of my children’s laughter. 

To everyone else, IH just means I’m always a bit sleepy. Idiopathic Hypersomnia is neurological disorder that creates an insatiable need to sleep. To me, IH is a parasite that drains me of the energy, passion, and ambition to chase my dreams. It robs me of the drive necessary to improve myself and my situation. It creates a barrier that hinders my ability to perform at the level I know I’d be capable of if it wasn’t there. And it hasn’t always been there, which creates an even greater level of frustration for me. 

Before the onset of my disorder I was able to achieve every goal I had set. I was able to stay focused and positive during the lows and fully take advantage of and appreciate the highs in life. IH undermines just about everything I do now. I know life is hard for everyone. I understand we all struggle in our own ways, and I’ve accepted IH as the one struggle I’ll never overcome. “Just take a nap,” are the words I hear often from those who don’t understand. I wish it were that simple. 

This disorder is rare, affecting only 1 out of every 25,000 people and is said to be more disabling than Narcolepsy. Because IH is a silent disorder, it’s often overlooked or completely disregarded altogether. A large number of the IH population are unemployed. It’s extremely difficult to find a job that provides the flexibility needed to allow the proper care and management required to manage IH. Honestly, I don’t think I could find the courage to ask for time off because I’m tired. There’s a high prevalence of suicide among those diagnosed with IH and now I have a full understanding of why some choose to fall asleep and not wake up.

No one wants to sleep their life away. Times like this create the perfect opportunity for me to fall into negative thought patterns. I’ll isolate myself in my room for hours and cry over all of the memories I’ll never have, all of the experiences I’ll miss because I can’t stay awake (even after taking prescribed stimulants and consuming dangerous amounts of energy drinks). It’s painful to think about all of the opportunities I’ve missed and how different my life would be if I wasn’t plagued by IH. 

I have a talent for people, a passion for connecting with others, a natural ability to bring people together and I pride myself on being someone others can rely in their time of need. There’s so many people out there that need support, that need someone to believe in them, people that feel alone in the world and are begging for a friend. I have a deep empathy for those people and I want nothing more than to be there to show them their worth in this world. I want to be strong for those that feel weakened by the daily struggles of life, but right now I can’t. 

For the first time in my life I’m forced to admit that I need help. The solid foundation I thought I had built myself on is crumbling underneath me and while I’ve done all I can to hide it, I’m falling apart and it’s starting to show. How do you ask for support when you’ve been the rock that so many people lean on? I’m so afraid of letting everyone down. 

There is one positive side to this disorder, lucid dreaming. Maybe that’s why so many of us want to stay asleep? In my dreams I finally feel what I perceive to be normal. I can finally live out the life I would have without IH. I can be fully present and cognitive while spending time with the ones I love. I can watch my babies grow and be the mother they need. I can give my partner the love and attention he deserves instead of leaving him feeling empty from always trying to meet the many needs that IH requires. I can find the stability that comes from being independent.

The rug has been pulled out from underneath me over and over again. I don’t know how to find the strength to get back up this time. I don’t want to burden anyone, but I’ve come to fear that’s all I’ll be. I’ve turned away so many offers to help because I don’t know if I’ll be able to repay anyone. I feel so lost and confused right now, like a mouse trapped in a maze with no escape. I don’t want to give up, I have so much to be grateful for, but I don’t know how to find my way out. So for now I’ll do my best to find peace in the situation. Maybe I’ll paint the walls of the maze I’m trapped in. I’ll keep smiling for others and help in what little ways I can, because that’s what I’ve always done.

I appreciate everyone who’s been there for me. I’ll find my way out eventually, I’m too stubborn not to. 

Erin

Wishes

He said he wished you loved him more, but he couldn't know the depth of your love for him. He might be able to read the language of your heart, but he could never write with it, at least not until he takes the time to understand how it was written. 

He said he wished you loved him more, but he couldn't know the strength of your love for him. Just because he rests his head on your chest to listen to the gentle beat of your heart doesn't mean he understands the force that drives you to love him.

He said he wished you loved him more, but he couldn't know the length of your love for him. Though you stand next to one another, hand in hand, he'll never realize the leap of faith it took to love again. 

He said he wished you loved him more and you know that someday he'll learn to see the love he thought was missing could only be found within himself. And on those nights when his words cut into you and your emotions have no choice but to bleed out of the corners of those blue eyes you'll whisper softly, "I wish you loved yourself, more."

You were too weak.

That's what broke you, isn't it? Knowing you held the world in your hands and she would have stayed forever there, but you dropped her. You left her so you could chase something, anything else.

The truth is, she scared you. She was so real, so raw, so unafraid to embrace herself and in a world where everyone waters down who they are, she refused to and you were too used to flavorless women. You learned to accept less passion, less color, less love because everyone else was selfish. Not her. She lived for your smile.  She lived to know she made you happy, to make you feel like you were her hero. And the most fucked up part was that you knew you could save her, but there was a sick beauty to the way she drowned in your love. And you fucking lived for that obsession.

It haunts you, doesn't it? I know it does. You watch her when she doesn't realize you're even there. You want her to break down and chase you, but she's stronger than you and you hate it. You wanted her to be weak for you, but a woman that knows what her soul is worth will never be weak. She'll never need anyone else and that independence is what kills you. You crave that need, you feed your ego with it. You overlook how much she wants you with your insatiable desire to be desperately needed.

There. Right there, that's how you lost. You were the one that needed her and instead of admitting to that you pushed her out of your life  because you knew her independence was stronger than yours. Your codependency made you feel weak. She would have understood, she would have been patient, she would have embraced you, but you let your fucking pride, your fear control you. And therein lies the truth, you're afraid and you lost her because she wasn't afraid of anything. Pain never kept her from loving even when she knew it was evident

Those other women you chase, they aren't her. They don't want to be real, they just want to be wanted just like you, and look where that got you.

You'll yearn for her for the rest of your life and that's the karma you've earned. You'll compare everyone to her and no one will be her equal. You'll settle because your heart is weak, but she won't. She'll continue to burn for herself until someone worthy crosses her path, and then she'll love them, completely. She'll give herself totally to them because she's stronger than you. She knows her worth and she recognizes when someone appreciates her flaws the way she appreciated yours.

Life is too short to give up on a woman like her. Stop being afraid, because you know soon enough she'll regain her strength and find someone who admires that. Love her. Appreciate her for the strong woman she is, because I promise you, someone is admiring her from afar and your mistake could be their victory, and we both know how much you crave the competition.

Wonderland

The gold wrapping Rabbit's pocket watch shimmered in the morning light. Small dew particles drew her eyes as they swirled through the air before landing gently on cool blades of grass. Cheshire placed the freshly sharpened knife in her unsteady hands. Alice trembled. She placed the top of the blade just above her wrist and with ease she left two small cuts. With his devilish smile Cheshire placed the white roses next to her. Alice held her breath as she watched blood pool at the cuts. Rabbit, too, held his breath as if their exhalations might taint the bloods purity or ruin the moment in some way.

The Mad Hatter's cold expression melted into a smile as each crimson drop stained the clean petals. At that moment he saw Alice in a true state of bliss, something she had long lost, hidden behind the veil of depression and hopelessness.

"Only when you have nothing left, nothing to hold you to this reality, can you return to Wonderland," his words echoed in her mind. Life draining from her body, she collapsed to the floor. Reality faded into a blur as her tear filled eyes closed. The grassy floor twisted around her and soon she was floating gently downward, a warm breeze slowing her fall. Slipping farther from the daylight above her, the smell of fresh earth and wet moss filled her lungs.

Faint music played below and she imagined an elaborate celebration had been planned for her return. Smiling, she felt her body release all the pain she had held onto. Every hate filled word, every failure, every time she wasn't good enough, it all drained from her body, leaving a hollow emptiness in its place. This was the sacrifice, it had to be done, she had nowhere else to go, no one to hold her, she had nothing left and blood was a small price to pay to live in her fantasy forever.

How strange it was that the light above her never dimmed.

Several raindrops landed on her cheek, stirring her from her peaceful state. She thought it odd to have a rainstorm in a tunnel, but it was Wonderland after all, nonsense was commonplace. Muffled voices floated around her, though she couldn't tell if the sound was falling from above her or floating up from beneath her; as her concentration shifted she was jerked violently upward. A heavy ache filled her veins and her mind was flooded with the voices of those she left behind.

"Alice wake up! Please wake up!" Her mother cried as she pulled the body of her lifeless child into her. "Please wake up."