Addict

A loud sigh escaped her lips as the sound of a passing s\kateboard consumed the muffled music of the jukebox. A heavy breeze caught the smoke of an old cigarette, mixing it with the scent of wet asphalt and rotting leaves. Her painted fingernail traced the crack in the sidewalk while deep thoughts of love and life stirred in her mind. A low rumble sounded in the distance, warning of the impending storm. The heavy door scraped cement as one of the old regulars left the bar. He made a friendly gesture toward her as he walked away, leaving behind him a trail of cheap whiskey and beer. Leaves whirled in circles, she closed her eyes and filled her lungs with the first chill of Fall.

The first drop of rain landed on the bridge of her nose and stirred her from her daze, turning her focus to the coolness of the water as it traveled down her warm skin. The second drop landed on the edge of her eyelashes. What a strange sensation it was to feel something grab ahold of such a sensitive part of her. She laughed at the coincidence of it all as she lit the end of a new cigarette. The sting of smoke entering healed lungs was harsh, but she welcomed it. Another drop fell from the sky and sizzled as it grazed the end of her once lost addiction. The rain melted away all remaining traces of summer, taking her mind back to the day she met him. She stopped smoking that day, trading one bad habit for another.

Her dependance on tobacco was easily replaced by a longing for his kind eyes and bright smile. She paused, lost in the memory of the way his laughter made her feel beautiful. Their first year together was bliss-filled kisses and flattering words; the love high she felt was so much more than a simple cigarette fix. Soon, her fascination became her new addiction. Even after his gentle words turned to insults and then to physical abuse, she still desperately craved his attention. The smell of his sweat, the hint of gin on his breath, it all fed her habit. The physical pain he inflicted became the overdose that ended them. Her intoxication of him derailed her life completely and left her in withdrawal for years.

She sat in the rain for a long time, listening as the storm played a sad lullaby on the metal roof above. The sky was singing to her, pulling emotions she had held tight for too long. Finally, after the last drag of her cigarette she stepped out from the umbrella of the roof and let the rain saturate her clothes. Bathed in raindrops she tilted her head toward the sky and cried. The rain hurt, but only because she needed it to. She needed it to pull him from her veins, to detox the negativity he left swimming in her mind. She let the storm wash away all traces of him from her thoughts. When she finally opened her eyes she felt new, clean.

She never felt vulnerable like she did now. Maybe that was it, maybe the rain washed away the smoke covered mirror she had been so used to looking through. She was looking through unfamiliar eyes and for the first time she was finally able to see how broken she had always been. A chill swept over her body and the warmth from the bar beckoned her, offering comfort. The promise of a free drink offered by the man at the end of the bar teased her thoughts. She hesitantly dropped her new pack of cigarettes into the trash bin as the door scraped wet cement. The businessman smiled with kind eyes as she sat beside him. A fresh gin and tonic sat neatly on the counter in front of her. 

Beauty

I asked people on my social profiles to give me their opinion on dating a SG and/or a nude model and the responses are mixed. Here’s what I learned. It takes a really strong person to date a nude model. Being a model, in and of itself, lends to a lot of people being attracted to that person. You will never escape the fact that men are looking at your woman, wishing they had what you get to hold. You’ll never escape the fact that some men will pursue your woman regardless of the fact that she’s taken. An attractive girl who’s confident enough to model, nude or otherwise, is going to attract men everywhere she goes, every time she goes out and IT’S NOT HER FAULT. Women that model, women with confidence, they tend to be socially outgoing more so than others and are generally much friendlier than most because in the industry you learn to interact with all kinds of people and that carries over to and helps build their confidence. These women are rare to find and usually men don’t know how to handle a woman like this.

One response stood out to me more than any other, this is what I would like to find, what I would like the men I date to understand and appreciate.

“Men, what the fuck is wrong with you? I’ve dated dozens of women, some models and some not, but their status as a model doesn’t and shouldn’t matter. I’m married to my beautiful SG and I love her beauty. I love that she finds beauty in herself, inside and out, and I love that she feels confident enough to share that. She isn’t doing it for validation, for dates, to accrue sexual partners, she does it because she values beauty and knows others do too. She does it so that other women with less confidence might be inspired by her journey and in that may find their own beauty. I love that other men find her beautiful and I love sharing her beauty with others. All of those men looking at her sit and wonder what it would be like to be with a woman as beautiful, smart, talented and amazing and she is. And you know what, every one of them wish they could know, but me, I DO KNOW. I get to hold her at night. I get to see the true depth of her beauty, inside and out. I get to experience her love every single day. She has thousands of men that would gladly be the one holding her, some better than me in every way, but she chose me and I can appreciate that and be proud that I get to hold the most amazing woman in the world. Those men don’t make her smile, they don’t make her laugh. They don’t get to hold her and wipe her tears when she’s feeling afraid and vulnerable. They don’t get to experience the little things that happen throughout the day that make her real. To them she’s invincible, a goddess, but I get to see the side of her that they never see. I see the side of her that’s raw, human, imperfect. I love it, every bit of it. I love that I’ve captured the heart of a unicorn and even though she has every opportunity to leave, she chooses to stay, through the good and the bad, because I’m worth it to her. I’m the luckiest man in the world to have her. I love sharing her with the world, I love knowing she is known and appreciated at such a high level. Those that feel the need to keep a woman like her to themselves are selfish and are robbing the world of true beauty. If you don’t understand how limiting that behavior is then please don’t pursue a woman like her, she deserves more.”

And that sums it up. I’m not a threat to men, even though they see me that way. I’m not trying to gain validation by sharing my body through images. I know whoever dates me, decides I’m worth keeping, is going to have to deal with a lot of pressure from other people. I know their friends will tease them or plant ideas in their mind that are false about me, based on my modeling career. I know that there will always be a fear lingering in their mind that someone will steal me away, but I’m not immune to those fears either. I’m just as afraid of being left, being abandoned because of their inability to accept me for me and instead project the image they’ve made of me based on my modeling and social profiles. It’s a rare thing to find a man that can see past those things and find the true person I am. I’m not my images, I’m not my posts, I’m not my snapchats or the filtered representation of me that they show. I’m a mother, I’m a pet owner, a best friend, a sister. I’m an artist, a poet, a photographer. I’m insanely humanitarian and would give someone my last dime, the clothes off my back, the food in my fridge or time I don’t have to spare if it meant it would better their life somehow. I’m a therapist of sorts and will always listen to your life story and learn to appreciate you at the human level, flaws and all. I will always spend too much time researching nonsense on the internet and laugh for hours on end at cat videos. I am the girl that talks to spiders when they show up in my house. I’m the girl that cries during Disney movies. I’m the girl afraid of heights, but still wants to learn to fly. I’m afraid of rejection and abandonment, just as you are. I am human, as we all are.